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1. I
prefer to work in larger blocks of time with bigger spaces in between
sessions. Whether a couple is "stuck" in something or not, I find that
it is often more cost-effective and works better in the long run to do
it this way, even though it is a bigger investment of time and money up
front. And while you might think 4 hours is a long time for a session,
the most common reaction from clients is, "The 4 hours is already up?!
I can't believe that much time has passed."
2.
I like people a lot. When clients or audience members ask me how
I can sit and listen to people's problems all day long, I reply by
saying, "If that's what I did all day, I would have quit long ago." It
is fascinating for both my clients, and me, to unravel the family
system patterns that are keeping them stuck, and then to help them
unravel and then learn new patterns in the here-and-now that will help
them get un-stuck. There isn't a boring moment to be had.
3.
With that said, the only way to help a couple move out of
wherever it is they are stuck is for me to stay outside of the
relationship, and so I cannot have an investment in whether or not you
improve your sex life, solve your financial problems, or even if you
stay together. But, I am invested in whether or not you are aware
of where these patterns came from and when you are acting with
emotional integrity. If you want to learn how to handle situations with
more integrity, I am there with you 100% to help you learn what that
behavior looks like. The paradox here is that while I care deeply for
my clients, it is 100% up to them whether they "make it" or not,
which, as you may already be able to see, means that over the past
decade, many more of the couples with whom I work eventually do make
it.
4.
As mentioned above, a good chunk of the work I do throughout the
sessions is in helping each person acquire responses that have more
integrity. If you get "quiet and nice" when you are angry, you are
actually punishing the people around you in the service of looking like
the nice guy all the time, which isn't very nice. You may decide that
you want to learn to do something more constructive with your anger, in
which case I am very willing to help. If you scare people with your
anger--if you rage, criticize, bristle, snap, and use sarcasm--then you
may eventually desire to learn how to soothe the fear, hurt , shame, or
loneliness that are there beneath all anger. In that case, I am more
than willing to help.
5.
I do not give homework assignments, because they keep the couple
dependent on me rather than working through their issues, and it often
deflects the "heat" that is generated in the session. It is the heat
that creates the passion that creates the intimacy--but only if you
know how to handle it with integrity. I try to get each person in a
partnership to confront herself or himself, rather than spending a lot
of time confronting each other. After all, you don't need to spend
money to have someone listen to you complain about your partner.
6.
Each "block" of time stands alone. You may do a 4-hour session and then
do no more after that. Also, it is rare that we will go more than 12
hours with these larger blocks of time, because in most cases, it
simply isn't necessary.
To Read more about my Couples Therapy
Assumption Click here
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